The Craziness of Charmaine

Why is it, every time I read about a disorder I realise I have it? Am I really that hypochondriac or is it really real? Just last week, I was doing a literature review on Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and then, the more I read, the more I kept having this nagging feeling that I have some form of it, minor or major. For those that do not know,
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a type of anxiety disorder in which a patient is habitually subjected to intrusive or disturbing thoughts and impulses (obsessions), which are unfounded. These obsessions lead to the engagement of repetitive behaviors (compulsions). When I say repetitive behaviors, I mean activities such as the repeated washing of hands, counting the number of times you wash each side of each arm, or just counting in general.

So, I say I have OCD, why? Well, when I shower, I will smooth water off my face. Most people do not keep track of how many times they do it in one shower, but I do. When I hit the third time, I will smooth water off my face again, because I think 3 is a bad number, and I don't like 4 either, because 4 means si in hokkien, which means die. So, it will end up at 5 usually, but if for some reason or another, I go past 5 and end up at 6, I will go to 7. Well, because 7 is a neutral number and 6 is the devil's number. I won't go to 8, because 8 means huat in hokkien, which means it's a good luck number so I for some reason will always pick a neutral number. The same goes for the number of times I wash my hands while in the shower. With soap. Superstition or OCD?

That's the first point, now the second. Do you ever notice, how many commas I have in a sentence and how I like to repeat certain things I say, whether with the same usage of words or not? I'm not saying I count the number of commas I use or purposely repeat stuff, I don't think I am that crazy. I notice it when I re-read my stuff. Next, when I turn the volume up and down on my car's radio or on a stereo or air-con controller or whatever, they cannot have a 3 or 4 in them. So if my boyfriend turns the stereo in the car up to 24, I will make it 22 or 25. Superstition or OCD? Lastly (well that's all I can think of for now; my actions that I link to OCD), when I'm waiting for time to past, I like to count the seconds. I will count from 1 to 60, then rinse and repeat until the time is up. So then, please tell me, do I have OCD, or some form of it, whether major or minor?

Moving along, I most definitely have sleep disorder, I can never sleep. I need to lie there for 2 hours each time before I can fall asleep. So, we will skip this one.

Anxiety disorder. My boyfriend insists that I have it. Well, once again, for those that don't know. Anxiety disorder is a blanket term covering several different forms of abnormal and pathological fears and anxieties, mostly unfounded.

Why do I think I have it then? I worry about the most irrelevant, illogical things, often very very negative. Whenever I cook myself something to eat in the middle of the night, I will go back downstairs, to the kitchen, to check the stove 3-4 times, to make sure I have shut it properly. I fear the kitchen will explode. I will never put my face close to the stove to check on the food. I fear the stove will explode. I will never leave my door unlocked at night. I fear a burglar will come in. (Please note, my house has an alarm system.) I dislike it when people throw a cigarette butt near my car and do not stub it out, I fear that when my car rolls over it, my car will explode. Just to be sure, these are minor fears that are inside me most of the time, but they are not that serious till they consume any part of my life.

Fears aside, lets talk about the negative thoughts. Lets say if I go to class and one of my classmates doesn't talk much and looks stony. What will Char think - I think I did something wrong to piss him/her off, or, I think he/she hates me, or, It's definitely my fault. Yes. This is what Char thinks all the time but doesn't say, and yes I will worry. When other people would be thinking, maybe he/she is in a bad mood, I would be thinking that it is me who caused him/her to be in this state. Or, if I forget to thank my boyfriend's parents' for dinner, I will keep worrying and asking my boyfriend if his parents noticed or if they will hate me. To generalise it, I read deeply into the actions of others and think the worst and most negatively about anything that happens, and most of the time, I will think that it is my fault that it happened.

That certainly does not help my boyfriend. Obviously not, when I keep wondering and thinking of the million different ways of why he would hate me and why he should dump me. You know, there's only a limit to the amount of patience and reassurance one can dish out and I'm afraid this limit would come soon. See, I'm doing it again. Ugh. So yes, he even asked me what treatments are available for Anxiety Disorder. It's that bad it seems ): I told him, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy - where you first try and build up one's self-esteem and general idea about themselves, then proceed towards changing their perception of scenarios that occur, from negative to positive. He actually wants to try! I think it's that bad, maybe that's why I have sleep disorder, because so many unfounded, negative thoughts are running through my mind each night so that I can't sleep. That being said, I think it's now time for another attempt of sleeping.

P.S. Those who read this, please do not think I'm crazy ):