Disturbing Thoughts (Warning: Some disturbing materials involved)

Recently, I've been thinking alot. My mind filled with thousands of thoughts flitting about, some interfering with others, criss-crossing and dissecting each other. I think it has to do with the amount of material I've been reading for the past week or so. Living in a safe and secure environment like Singapore, it's sometimes difficult to imagine situations and circumstances out of the ordinary. Out of the ordinary meaning things that do not and will never occur within the stringent boundaries of my society. However, the books I have been reading are those of a different culture of society, where the worst imaginable is reality.

As a undergrad of Psychology, the type of material that I have taken upon myself are those of mental abuse, torture and psychological concepts. I've forced that material upon myself in hopes of widening and broadening my mind to accept these concepts. It is difficult sometimes coming from a background that would never abhor such a mindset. I find myself concentrating hard to swallow some of these books when reading should actually be a relaxation and pleasurable way of passing time. I feel that as Psychology would be my future destiny I should force these upon myself, to be accustomed to what I may be dealing with in time to come. If I'm unable to stomach these realities happening in the world outside my comfort zone then my world would be as narrow and claustrophobic as the society I'm living in and I would find many difficulties coping with my future endeavors.

Since I've started this course, I've been purchasing and borrowing plenty of books to do with dementia, personality disorder, multiple personality disorder, schizophrenia and mania. Along with that are books and stories of true experiences of physical and mental torture. Sometimes even sexual abuse amongst the family. Before I can learn the psychological concepts linked to these books I must first accustom myself and widen my threshold of acceptance of these horrors. However, I feel that I may have been overloading myself with too much of these material that it's taking a toll on me and I find myself struggling to get up each morning with all these thoughts floating around and me trying to break them down into acceptance.

A couple of nights ago I almost retched into the toilet bowl while trying to finish a book titled "Child C" by Christopher Spry. It had to do with children taken into social services and being taken to a career, Eunice Spry. The book evolving around how this woman mentally and physically tortured these children. She inflicted upon them horrible "punishments" such as starving them, asking them to eat what they have thrown up, eating their own waste, beating them till they bled and force-feeding them all sorts of detergents like bleach, TCP, dish-washing liquid and many others. Sometimes, the children would puke and she would make them eat what they have thrown up. These are all horrible concepts for one to stomach, especially for one coming from a peaceful society like Singapore where cases of domestic abuse are rare and almost unheard of. Reading this book, I realized that these children have never argued or resisted the torture inflicted upon them and in fact succumbed themselves to accept whatever "punishment" Eunice Spry had churned out at them. The use of "punishment" meaning that they had done nothing to deserved it. In the first place, this type of "punishment" cannot even be labeled as punishment as it is by no means any type of behavior one should ever be made to do or even accustomed to. It is pure torture. It made me grieve how much these children have had to endure so much so to the point that they can't even resist. To some of them, it has become a custom and they think nothing of it as they believe that this is what life is supposed to be. These things have become a norm for them. Therefore, they have no reason to deny it so they succumb to it.

It takes a very different type of person than the type we usually know to mete out these type of abuse. I for one cannot imagine how one human being can inflict these types of torture on another human being. Adding to this knowledge, I have also read about how parents or members of authority have sexually abused a young child whom they are supposed to love and care for. They have instead abused their power and violated the innocence of these little children. To put myself in the situation of any of these young children, I sometimes admire how some of them can pull themselves up and look into the future, building a wonderful life up for themselves. The betrayal of love and trust would have been too hard for me to withstand. I would have offed myself in a second. I feel that it's the environment and life that was all they have known since they were brought into this world. They have taken and suffered so much that they have become strong individuals. As for myself, I feel blessed being brought into this world into the arms of loving parents, a wonderful peace-loving society and lovely siblings. I feel for these people who have suffered and I want to help them. I guess this is why Psychology was my choice.

Looking past domestic abuse, I have also read how life can turn so drastically that it is overwhelming. There have been individuals who have been living a wonderful and wholesome life, life so safe and secure that they think nothing could ever happen to take it all away from them. It can happen, it has happened. I read about how a young woman, living happily with her husband and young child had her life thrown into complete disaster one afternoon bringing her little girl out for a stroll. Her child was less than a year or a year old and she was pushing the little girl around in a pram for a walk around the park. She had walked to a secluded area of the park and was sitting down either reading a book or enjoying the atmosphere of the park when a man whom she had known by face sat down beside her. The man played a little with her child and then suddenly looked at her saying if she wanted her young child to be safe she had better do exactly what he said. It was then that she noticed that there was virtually not a single person around her. Worried for her child she did exactly as she was told and walked to a spot nearby with the man. The man had ordered her to undress and was soon violating her. He didn't rape her. He had in fact inserted his entire arm into her womanhood. The pain had been so intense that she had passed out. Due to this, she had to have numerous surgeries to her womb and was told she could never conceive again. As a woman, I cannot imagine the amount of pain she had to endure and I was having trouble breathing trying to accept this new piece of knowledge into my system. Singapore is a very conservative society. Schools have been educating their students about abstinence till marriage. Rape and sexual intercourse with minors are considered serious offenses and what had happened to this woman is definitely unheard of here. My brain and heart had come to an absolute standstill when I read that the man was only given 5 years in jail. It seemed that there was a loophole in the law and as he has not raped her, it was not counted as rape and they could only charge him with violence towards another individual. The total injustice of the incident and what the woman had to endure was just overwhelming. I could hardly sleep that night as what I have read kept playing in my mind. Not to mention, the impact of the incident on her. She eventually had to leave her husband as she could not stand the thought of another man coming near her.

As a woman, I find myself struggling to accept a concept like this. The pain she had to go through both mentally and physically is unimaginable. All I can tell myself to comfort myself is that something like this would never happen in Singapore but after reading all the material I have read, unimaginable has become reality and I find myself feeling and grieving for this woman - How she has endured the pain, pulled herself to her feet for the sake of her child, and continued living and building up a wonderful life for herself and her child. It is difficult to understand how individuals who are practically strangers, who have possibly no vengeance or grievances towards each other can actually inflict that much pain on the other. I guess there is much I don't know about the world out there and alot more material I have to read to allow myself to accept these types of circumstances and events that are happening in a world so much closer to home than I realize.

Death is another thing I've been finding hard to accept, the circumstances of death being the most potent factor. For me, death within the people close to me has been extremely rare. The only death of a loved one I have experienced is the death of my grandfather. I have never been really close to my grandfather, save for the time when I was around 5 to 6 years old when I was living with my grandparents. At that time, my parents had just purchased land for a corner terrace and it was in the process of construction. My parents had sold their condo unit and so we went to live with my grandparents. Although I was never close to my grandfather, the only time I've ever really spoken to him being asking why he smoked so much and should smoke less; for which years later when I mentioned it to my mom I got chided saying I was lucky I didn't get yelled at, I still felt a great sense of loss when he passed away. He had passed on due to lung cancer. Death had never been something I have experienced and the first time I experienced it, I was 18. I was a little old realizing that death meant I could never see the person or ever converse with the person again and each time I went to my grandparents' house I would never see the familiar, thin and dark figure sitting at the desk on the side of the house. Well, I was a late bloomer in the sense of experiences. I would admit that due to my lifestyle, I doubt I'd be able to withstand or deal with hardship appropriately and the sense of loss would probably simply just overwhelm me. I admire people that are able to deal with hardship because of this and sometimes I feel vulnerable to the world as I lack the threshold to deal with pain and hardship, this is another reason why I'm force-feeding myself to understand, accept and deal with things outside my comfort zone.

I have read recently in Christopher Spry's book about death, with circumstances leading up to it so sudden and horrifying. It was a car accident, with the unfortunate vehicle being reduced from 3.2 to 1.3 in length. The two passengers in the front seat died instantly, the driver was decapitated. As a driver, it hit me hard. I have only acquired my license some months ago and I enjoy fast drives, giving myself a time-limit as competition. After reading about this particular incident, I've been more afraid and have been driving slower recently. I'm not sure if Mel has noticed but I've reduced my speed and have been more careful when making turns or cutting. It's a horrible way to die, being decapitated and I don't want to bring harm to those with me in the car. Although Christopher Spry, like me who wasn't all that close to my grandfather, was not close to the two people that passed on in the accident - he in fact had the grounds to hate them, but still he was upset and overwhelmed at first. Death is difficult to accept on all grounds and it's a painful thing to accept and to live with. Still, for me the first step is still accepting. Only when you learn to accept, you can then move on.

Overall, the time I have spent reading have been taxing and emotionally difficult sometimes, quite a difference for an avid reader like myself. Reading used to be my solace and I loved it, but the material I now read is disturbing and sometimes difficult, very difficult to accept. Still, I will persevere till the time I can find these material intriguing and acceptable. With time, I would be able to help people, but acceptance still comes first.